Transcriptions

[goodtobequeen]

[two figures in practice armor and fake swords are duking it out in the middle of of a crowd as Sam and Dean approach. One of them overpowers the other, holding her sword to his neck.]

LOSER: Yield! I yield!

[the winner takes off her helmet and flips her hair, revealing: Charlie, the queen.]

LOSER: I love you.

CHARLIE: I know. Take your leave to my medical tent and attend to your...severed limbs.

[he gets up and stumbles off, and Charlie turns to address the crowd.]

CHARLIE: Greyfox and Thargrim are missing. We pray to the Goddess they have not fallen victim of foul play. In their absence, the honor guard's ranks are weakened. To join--

[her gaze falls on Sam and Dean, and she stops, looking stunned.]

CHARLIE: Oh, blergh. The queen...needs some royal "we" time. Talk amongst thyselves.

[she heads quickly to her tent, and the brothers follow.]

------

SAM: Charlie--

CHARLIE: Charlie Bradbury is dead. [she's stuffing her armor into a bag.] She died a year ago, you killed her. My name is Carrie Heinlein. Oh, and guess what. Now you killed her, too.

DEAN: okay. Listen, uh--

CHARLIE: No. I buried myself. Then Dick Roman went down, his company belly-up, and I figured, hey! It's all good! And I was fine. I got my life back. Now you're here. And if you guys are here, monsters are here. Why do I have such bad luck? What am I, some kind of monster magnet?

[she pauses, then turns around, looking worried.]

CHARLIE: is there such thing as a monster magnet? You know what--don't answer that. I don't care. What I care about is not getting my other arm broken. Or dying. So--I'm dropping my sword, and walking off the stage, bitches.

[she grabs her bag and strides past them, putting her crown on Dean's head.]

CHARLIE: Have fun storming the castle.

DEAN: Charlie--Charlie! Greyfox and Thargrim? Uh, Ed and Lance. They're not missing They're dead.

------

[cut to them all sitting at her table. Apparently she's decided to stay.]

CHARLIE: Drawn and quartered and bleeding out...? Please stop talking again. So...what do you think did this?

DEAN: well, aside from the uh...the mark, and them both being LARPers, there's really not much else to go on.

CHARLIE: [looking at the photo of the tree tattoo] Wait, I've seen this before. It's a Celtic magic symbol. At least, it was in my favorite video game. Does that help? Can I go now?

SAM: It's a start, but no. Um, listen. What can you tell us about Ed and Lance.

CHARLIE: Good guys. Two of the best members of the Queen's ever-shrinking army.

DEAN: Ever-shrinking?

CHARLIE: my kingdom has had a lot of bad luck lately. Probably 'cause of me, but maybe it's tied to this. A month ago, one of my guys had both her ankles broken before a battle. Before that, I had three people [in the hospital where the accidents were at home.] (? this phrase is probably inaccurate, difficult to understand.) You think there's any connection there?

SAM: did they have any enemies in common?

CHARLIE: in real life? No. Everyone gets along famously. In the game, though, they had tons of enemies.

[she leads them over to her strategy table, with figures laid out on a map like a game of RISK.]

CHARLIE: Red reps the Followers of the Moon. My peeps. Green's for Elves, Blue's for Warriors of Yesteryear, and Black's for Shadow Orcs. Total D-bags. This weekend is the Battle of the Kingdoms, to see who wears the Forever Crown. This weekend...each faction is definitely an enemy of me and mine.

DEAN: you know, if you, uh...move your archers back and your broadswordsmen to the west--

CHARLIE: oh, flank the Warriors. Good call. What about the southern wall?

SAM: guys.

DEAN: Yeah. Right. Sorry.

SAM: So...maybe someone from one of the other Kingdoms got a hold of real magic and started using it to weaken your army.

CHARLIE: But...why not just come after me. And why the escalation?

DEAN: all right. We will canvass the...kingdoms...you should get outta here. We don't want you to get hurt.

SAM: Woah, wait. Charlie knows Moondoor a lot better than we do. We need her.

DEAN: Sam, I think we can take care of a bunch of accountants with foam swords.

SAM: we need all the help we can get, Dean. People are dying.

DEAN: my point, which is usually yours, is that she should get somewhere safe, and get back to a normal life.

CHARLIE: Hey, I am right here, and I want to leave.

DEAN: thank you.

CHARLIE: But the queen...she has to stay. Sam is right, people are dying. That can't happen on my watch. And you know what? I am tired of running. I like my life here. I'm gonna stay and fight for it.

[Sam's phone rings. He answers it.]

SAM: Yeah? Okay. Thanks. So, the toxicology report came back on Lance. Nothing. But the medical examiner said his body showed clear signs that he was killed by belladonna.

DEAN + CHARLIE: [simultaneously] The porn star?

SAM: ...the poison.

DEAN + CHARLIE: ohh...

SAM: uhh...however, they...couldn't find a trace of it in his system.

DEAN: just like they couldn't find ropes in Ed's apartment.

SAM: Charlie, I'm gonna need to borrow your laptop.

CHARLIE: there are no laptops in Moondoor. What? There are rules. But there is a tech tent four tents down.

SAM: okay. How about you guys go canvass, and I'll dig into these...sccidents and this mark. [he leaves.]

CHARLIE: Okay. I'm gonna need the full wiki on where you guys have been...but first, you're gonna have to ditch the suit if you're gonna walk and talk with the queen.

------

[Dean dresses himself in a tunic and chainmail.]

CHARLIE: you sent Sam a phantom text from his ex? Dick move, sir.

DEAN: Yeah, not my finest hour.

CHARLIE: So, he found some normalcy with this chick, and now it's gone. Again. Thanks to you.

DEAN: Yeah, well, now he's more committed than ever, so...there's that. I mean, trust me, in this life...you can't afford attachments. You just gotta...let go.

CHARLIE: are we still talking about Sam? Or did you...break up with someone too.

DEAN: Me?

CHARLIE: yeah.

DEAN: no.

------

[Dean and Charlie emerge from the tent, and Dean picks out a wooden sword and sticks it through his belt. A "subject" passes by and bows to them, calling Charlie "Your Majesty".]

DEAN: you always been into LARPing?

CHARLIE: Nah. For roleplay, I prefer tabletop. D&D, Gamma World, Car Wars...death by Cthulu and multi-sided dice, right? But a buddy of mine was into LARPing. Went for him, stayed for the chicks. It's not just that, though. It's an escape. I mean, here, I'm Queen. I'm a hero. Out there in the real world, I'm just hacking out code and chugging coffee all day long.

DEAN: now, wait a second. If it wasn't for you, we woulda never been able to take down Dick Roman. Out there, the the real world, you are a hero.

[Charlie smiles at him.]

DEAN: well, I'm seeing a lot of these maidens checking you out.

CHARLIE: What? I can't shut this down. It's good to be queen.

------

ELF GIRL: [looking at the photo of the tree symbol.] I haven't seen anything like it in my travels throughout the realms, Your Highness.

CHARLIE: all right, well, if you think of anything...come see me in my tent. Anytime.

[the elf grins a bit and winks at her. Dean gives Charlie a meaningful look.]

CHARLIE: scratch the Elves off the list.

------

CHARLIE: The Shadow Orcs. Last group on the list, impossible to find.

DEAN: I know where we can find one, I met him on the way in.

CHARLIE: Perfect. Maybe he can tell us what the frak this thing is.

------

ORC: Death to the Queen! Death to the usurper! Death to her manservant.

[Dean whacks him with his sword. Charlie gives him a look.]

DEAN: What. There's no laptops in Moondoor, there's no Geneva Convention either. Hey, you seen this? [he takes out the photo.]

ORC: Yeah, of course. No, no I haven't seen it. [Dean threatens him with the sword again.] Okay, it's the Shadow King's family crest! You'll never find him in the Black Hills!

DEAN: the Black Hills?

CHARLIE: the...forest behind the playground. Come on.

------

[as they head into the forest, they run into Boltar.]

BOLTAR: My Queen! There you are, I've been searching everywhere for you. Has this...oaf attempted to harm you with his blasphemous metalworks?

CHARLIE: Boltar, he's with me. This is my new...handmaiden. [Dean doesn't look too pleased.] We seek an audience with the Shadow King.

BOLTAR: ah, these...hills are not safe. I beseech you, my Queen, you should return to camp.

DEAN: He's right. Your...Worshipfulness. Uh, may I have a moment before you take your leavings?

[they turn away.]

DEAN: Handmaiden?

CHARLIE: he was suspicious, I panicked.

DEAN: all right, you take my phone, find Sam, we'll find the Shadow Dorks.

CHARLIE: but I can help.

DEAN: yeah, you are helping by finding Sam. Go.

[Charlie leaves reluctantly.]

DEAN: lead the way to the Orcs, Bolty.

BOLTAR: speak when spoken to, handmaiden.

[they both look annoyed.]

------

[Charlie heads back to camp alone, putting Dean's phone in one of her belt pouches. An Orc sneaks up on her, and lobs a beanbag at her. She dodges, and throws one back, hitting him in the face.]

CHARLIE: Dark magic!

ORC: Argggh! My eyes! The stinging of your attack burns my very soul! [he runs off, growling. Charlie looks satisfied, turning to face--a cloaked figure, wearing a deer skull for a mask. She gasp and fumbles for another beanbag, tossing it.]

CHARLIE: dark magic?

[the figure sweeps its cloaked arms at her, and she flinches.]

------

[cut to Dean's phone displaying a "no signal" message. It pans up to Charlie, asleep in a large elaborate bed. She wakes up, a hand to her head, looking like she's in pain. As she gets up and looks around, she comes face to face with the horned figure again.

CHARLIE: Uh...hi. I'm the, uh, Queen...of Moons. Nice to meet you. [she pauses, waiting for a response.] Great costume, bee-tee-dubs. [again, no response.] Right. Well, this has been a...really great kidnapping, but I gotta get back to...not dying, so...good talk.

[she strides out of the tent, only...to find herself walking into it again. She tries again, with the same result.]

CHARLIE: Wow. Real magic. That is...really cool, if not mostly terrifying. Um, right. Okay. We can work this out, can't we? Get you some gold, my crown, ritualistic...sacrifice...

[no response.]

CHARLIE: look, I am not really a queen. I'm just an IT girl. Standing in front of a monster, asking it not to kill her.

[the figure begins to advance.]

CHARLIE: great. Now the worst period of my life comes to an end. I saw my boss get eaten by a Leviathan, broke my arm, life on the run, finally got it all back, and now a dude in a stag skull mask is gonna kill me! [she holds up her hands to shield herself.] I just want my old life back!

[the figure takes off the mask, revealing the face of a beautiful young woman.]

GILDA: that is all I want as well.

[Charlie looks decidedly pleased by this turn of events.]

------

GILDA: My name is Gilda. I'm from the Hollow Forest of Arkmoor. (?) I'm a fairy.

CHARLIE: [looking at her adoringly] Swoon...uhh--I mean, how did you...get here?

GILDA: I was summoned here by a spell.

CHARLIE: by whom?

GILDA: I don't know his name, but I was brought here to do his bidding.

CHARLIE: His bidding? That's never good.

GILDA: my...master, he...has me hurt people. He's forcing me to, I'd never hurt anyone, I'm a fairy. The good kind.

CHARLIE: No, No, I get that. Why...is he doing this?

GILDA: I don't know. He started off with smaller commands. But...he's become more violent. He had me kill two men this week.

CHARLIE: Man, someone is taking this game way too seriously.

GILDA: game?

CHARLIE: this--my outfit, all of this...it's just a game here.

GILDA: why would you play such a game?

CHARLIE: this world? Not so much with the awesome. The game is a way to...get away?

GILDA: [nods] It's a lovely forest. But it's nothing like my home.

CHARLIE: [gazes at her for a moment.] Right--so. How do we get you back there.

GILDA: I can't break free from the spell myself. I hear I must take my master's book of magic and destroy it, breaking the spell.

CHARLIE: [nods] Gilda, my name is Charlie Bradbury. And I am here to rescue you.

[they exchange meaningful glances, and Gilda puts a hand on Charlie's arm.]

------

[Dean and Sam enter the tent, and...Charlie and Gilda are making out. Dean stares for a moment, then clears his throat.]

CHARLIE: Dudes! If the tent is rockin', don't come a-knockin'!

GILDA: [scrambles off the bed] No, it's him! My master, run!

[they turn to see Boltar, who...takes off his hood dramatically. Dean and Sam level their guns at him.]

Boltar: no guns in Moondoor, gentlemen. Gilda, if you please.

[Gilda regretfully waves her hand, and the guns become feathers.]

DEAN: well now what, Jerry.

BOLTAR: My name...is Boltar the Furious! My plan...was, after getting rid of all of my competition, to win the battle tomorrow, convincing the Queen that I should be her King.

[Charlie rolls her eyes.]

BOLTAR: but then you two idiots showed up and I was forced to improvise. Rescue the damsel in distress from Orcs, become King, kill you both, that'll work too.

SAM: so why'd you go from hobbling to murder?

BOLTAR: Greyfox and Thargrim became part of the Honor Guard. They got close to the Queen. But they did it by breaking the rules. Paying off other players with real money rather than Moondoor currency. They were cheating!

DEAN: oh, and using magic isn't?

BOLTAR: Magic is a part of Moondoor.

CHARLIE: what is your problem? Why would you hurt people? This is just a game!

BOLTAR: There is no game! [Charlie flinches.] There is only Moondoor! I came here to be different. To get away from my crappy life! To be a hero! And guess what.

DEAN: what, you were a loser in the real world and you're a loser here? Shocker.

BOLTAR: would a loser track down a real book of spells, and compel the fairy to do his bidding?

[Gilda ducks her head, and Charlie puts a hand on her shoulder.]

SAM: Depends. How'd you get it.

BOLTAR: [hesitates.] ...Ebay?

SAM: [exchanges looks with Dean.] Look, it doesn't have to be like this...Boltar. Just hand over the book of spells, we can work this out.

BOLTAR: this will all work out...[he grabs a padded sword] After I remove you from the playing field and wipe her memory. Gilda?

[she turns the sword into a real one. Sam and Dean break to the side.]

BOLTAR: Gilda, the big one!

[she waves her hand, and a suit of armor comes to life and pins Sam in a headlock. Charlie grabs another padded sword and attacks Boltar, but is shoved back. Dean tries the same thing, but gets his sword but in half. Sam tries to throw off the armor, and Dean blocks Boltar's strikes with a shield he grabbed. Gilda holds Charlie back when she gets up again.]

GILDA: they can't stop him. The book, you must destroy it!

[Dean sees an opening and decks Boltar in the face, and his spellbook goes flying. Sam is slowly suffocating. Charlie dives for the book, ducking under Boltar's sword swing.]

CHARLIE: Hey, Jerry! [she pulls a knife from her belt.] I'm the one who saves damsels in distress around here. [he gropes at his belt, confused. She stabs the book, and light pours out of it.]

BOLTAR: Noooo!

[Gilda's spells reverse. She looks overjoyed. Boltar goes for Dean with the padded sword, but gets elbowed in the face instead, and goes down hard.]

CHARLIE: are you okay?

GILDA: I am free of the spell. You saved me. The Hollow Forest is forever in your debt. I must return to those green hills now. I will take my former master with me. me must face a fairy tribunal for his sins.

CHARLIE: wait-- [she kisses her. When she pulls away, Gilda and Boltar disappear.]

CHARLIE: Call me...maybe?

------

[cut to the main camp, Sam and Dean are back in normal clothes.]

SAM: so, what's next for you, Charlie? New town, new identity?

CHARLIE: if the last 24 hours have taught me anything, it's that escaping isn't what it used to be. No more replacement characters for me. I gotta face reality from now on. Sadly, reality actually includes monsters, but...what are you gonna do. If I can ever be of help to you guys, let me know.

DEAN: Will do. And you, uh...you're good?

CHARLIE: Apart from the fact that...you blocked me from banging a fairy, and I'm about to go lose my crown in battle thanks to my army...being decimated? [she laughs.] Yeah...totally good. [She turns to leave, then turns back, giving them the Vulcan salute.] Smell ya later, bitches.

------

[the last scene is the battle, where Dean gives the speech from Braveheart, and it gets interrupted briefly by a frisbee.]